How does this paradox work? Take for instance an introverted person who suffers from mild social anxiety. We’ll call her Sue. Every time Sue anticipates attending a social gathering she experiences some form of dread, nervousness, or anxiety. While these feelings are uncomfortable what transforms them into something unbearable and potentially debilitating (she doesn’t’ attend a party) is the secondary feeling originating from the self-judgment made about her anxiousness. This secondary feeling is shame. Once Sue experiences the familiar sense of anxiety her immediate interpretation is self-deprecating. “Why is this so hard for me when it is so easy for others.” “There is something wrong with me.” Most likely this self-talk will deteriorate into language Sue would never utter to another human being but tells herself with remarkable ease.
 

I often ask my clients to imagine they are directing their negative self-talk towards another person and if they believe these words would motivate that person to change. The answer is an unequivocal “No, of course not”. Why? Because this is emotional abuse and we know this is not the way to encourage others, rather it is a surefire way to keep them right where they are at or make matters worse. While these folks would never think to abuse another person, the abuse they inflict upon themselves goes unfettered. 
 

Shame has the opposite effect of change, it seals the deal. It seals the deal we make with ourselves that says,” I am the way I am, I am flawed, I will forever remain this way, therefore change is futile.” If you want to make sure your behavior never changes administer large doses of shame around that behavior.Now what would happen if Sue eliminated shame by taking a non-judgmental and objective view of her social anxiety? What if Sue were to say to herself, “Social situations can be difficult for me so my response is to feel dread, nervousness or anxiousness. This is me. This is what I do.” It is after this statement of acceptance that she can now follow up with positive affirmations such as, “Once I get there I’m usually okay.” “After I go I am usually glad I went.” However, without this initial self-acceptance these affirmations will be experienced as hollow. For example if her first interpretation of anxiety is “I’m stupid and broken” following this with “I’ll be glad I went to the party” is pretty meaningless. If Sue is stupid and broken why should she even bother leaving her house?
 

So, the paradox works this way: Once Sue accepts her response to social interactions she no longer experiences the intensity of shame. Rather than be debilitated by shame and canceling the engagement, she attends the party and re-affirms “I am glad I went”.  With this positive outcome, the next social event may be experienced with decreased anxiety.
 

Self-acceptance means Sue accepts that she may always experience some social anxiety, but with time and positive outcomes these feelings can be diminished. In doing this she acknowledges both who she is in the here and now and her ability to make positive changes in the future. Through self-acceptance she experiences freedom from the perceptions which bind her to shame and prohibit change.

Date nights are a good idea and couples agree. Why then is it that time and time again a couple who sets out to have  weekly date nights is lucky if they make just one date in a month, or  two months, or three months? Well there are a lot of excuses. One or both partners complain “I’m just too tired after a long week of work”. “I don’t want to leave the kids with a babysitter.” “I feel guilty spending the money when we are trying to save for [insert- a house, a new car, the kid’s college, to get out of debt].” “We had something planned but someone [insert- sister, brother, mom, dad, neighbor, friend, co-worker] really needed my help so we had to cancel.”  While the lists of excuses are seemingly infinite the main theme is clear: “Everything and everyone comes before our relationship.” In the ever-demanding complex puzzle of our daily lives the relationship becomes the only moving piece. The relationship is the one thing that can and does get pushed aside and right along with it the date night.
 

Positive relationships support our wellbeing. The most central relationships are the ones we come home to each night. They can serve as the foundation which nourishes our capacity to confront the challenges of each day. For many couples this foundation has become emaciated through neglect and they are seeking help through therapy to regain the sense of caring support they once felt. However, we cannot have this meaningfully supportive relationship if we are not willing to make the relationship a priority. If everything and everyone else always gets our attention then the relationship will simply capitulate to its eventual demise.
 

Sometimes the true therapeutic kernel of the date night assignment, the need to make your relationship a top priority, gets lost in translation. Your relationship is too important to be at the bottom of the list. Let other people and tasks become the moving pieces. If your relationship is to serve as your foundation let this be the piece that doesn’t move and you will succeed in making date nights commonplace.

We’ve likely all heard or stated the need to process things. “Things” could mean anything from ending a relationship, trying to find a new career or thinking about the milestone birthday you just had. But how in a world full of so much noise and preoccupation, be it passive (TV) or active (work), can one be quiet enough to hear their own process? When we say “process” this is also a way of saying “gaining insights” or otherwise known as “a-ha moments”. Whatever way you spin it, we are talking about blending the polarities of our conscious and unconscious mind. This requires the quiet of solitude.
 

You may be feeling the pull of solitude and dismiss it as a form of “escape”. If you are caring for a family you may even feel guilt or shame surrounding fantasies of being alone.  Why feel ashamed? What is often born out of solitude is what we cherish as most beautiful: new directions, new ideas, new passions, a renewed sense of courage and inspiration, creativity. Existentialist, Rollo May, in his book The Courage to Create explains the act of solitude as a retiring “…from a world that is too much with us”. Sometimes the world is too much with us and we need a break, a degree of separation in order to see the things anew. Isolation can be an indication of a serious problem, but let us not hastily judge the need to be alone as a sign of depression or other pathology, for it may just be a sign of much needed and healthy solitude.

Then a new thought emerged. At the end of the summer I brought home the newest member of our family, a little cockapoo puppy. This sweet little ball of fluff loves nothing more than to greet the dawn, reducing my sleep for the last couple of months by about 2 hours each night. I soon realized I was feeling fatigued because well… I was tired. I was tired from a lack of my usual amount of sleep and it had caught up with me.  It was as simple as that.

This reminded me of the saying “If you hear hoof beats think horses before zebras”. (Now if you live in Africa reverse this). In our complex world full of complex problems our tendency towards multifarious explanations can shadow what is the most obvious. If you’re feeling tired maybe it is simply because you are. Let us start at this simple most obvious place, the horses, and then if no answers are found we can move on to the zebras.